Hello, a straight month of writing, craziness! Will try to keep it up for as long as I can and for as long as I have something worth talking about.
Before we jump in, you may remember I pasted a poem in the previous issue - by Refaat Alareer. I’ve been informed since then that Mr Alareer was actually killed on the 6th December 2023, by an Isra3li airstrike, where he was deliberately targeted after refusing to leave the Gaza strip after the genocide began. Several other members of his family were murdered as part of the strike. May they all be resting in power.
This week, I’ll be real had a lot of fuckin reflections going thru my mind. Been thinking a lot as always. Most of my ideas come when I’m in the shower funnily enough or when I have that painful walk to the gym at 6:30am before placement. I always ensure to write anything in my phone notes bcos inspiration / ideas tend to have a short half-life.
Annoyingly I haven’t been able to develop those ideas further, so I’m not sure if there will be any themes to my writing this week, it is very much going to be off the top of the dome and possibly just a brain dump of all the things I’ve encountered recently or thought about.
Something I’ve wrestled with a lot internally is what do I want from my life, what do I want my life to look like? (appreciate it takes a level of privilege to even ask yourself that). For much of my life I have felt so pulled, in so many different directions. It’s weird - I can’t help but feel that I have one foot in many doors, but nothing with both feet fully in and committed, many folks they’re all in something, with both feet firmly in the door i.e they’re a banker thru n thru or creative consultant etc. For example, medicine, as we all know I love it, and my pursuit of it represents something greater than myself etc. etc. giving me a reason to get out of bed everyday, but there’s many days when I go back home to London and hang with my corporate friends or creative friends and I’m like duuuuude fuaaaaark. Do I want this to be my life? Is the juice truly worth the squeeze? Like is plastics what I truly want and am I happy to give up so much, there’s a lot at stake at the end of the day. There’s a high possibility that if I actually achieve what I want, much of what I value, community, my relationships, exercise, hell even my own wellbeing could become 2nd fiddle.
On the other hand, I think to myself, the misery that would consume me if I didn’t go for what I wanted would eat me from the inside. Yet I want to explore these other avenues to my personality i.e my creative side (something which I thought didn’t rlly exist up until the last few years). One thing about me, I am a (day)dreamer, I conjure the wildest fantasies in my head of what the future could hold, some scenarios being laughable admittedly. I always envisioned I could do more, even beyond surgery, perhaps combining my luv for the arts (writing, fashun, acting, music namely).
I appreciate that this is very all over the place article, I don’t even know where I’m going with it myself, so I do apologise for it. However the conclusion I have come to from the above notion is that, fuck it man I can do it all. Now I know I’m greedy lmao, and I know I can be deluded (let me live in my delusions) but in my eyes I can truly have it all and I can come out on top. This is probs copium, reality does settle in and getting older I realise, like shit you actually can’t blag ur way through life thinking things will fall into your lap. I always thought yeah I’ll have xyz.. by the time I’m 30 just because, but life doesn’t work like that. I realise everything needs intentionality and then the actual follow up, over an extended period of time and then perhaps the house of cards could fall in your favour.
*fun fact long term I do plan on writing a book, not sure about what tho but definitely about something, something that probs incorporates, medicine, history, culture, arts and justice.*
Living an intentional life means consciously choosing your path with purpose and reflection.
You carefully consider your career, where you live and who you spend time, aligning each choice with your values and goals. In contrast many ppl live an accidental life, letting circumstances dictate their path (i think a little bit of this is ok btw, too much structure signals a bit of inflexibility).
For example ur partner, I would argue that who u marry is the single most significant legal thing that can occur in your life (outside of dying). So why wouldn’t u pick with the utmost care, cos a shit partner will fuck ur life up royally.
The intentional life takes more effort up front, but leads to far greater fulfilment and purpose. You craft a career that engages your talents and passions. You choose a community that nourishes your spirit. You build relationships with people who challenge you to be your best self. The accidental life can feel easier in the moment, but often leads to listlessness, frustration and regret. You wonder how you ended up on this path that doesn't really fit. You feel stuck in circumstances that just sort of happened to you.
We get one precious life. Be intentional about how you live yours. Reflect deeply on what matters to you and have the courage to make choices aligned with your values, even when it's hard.
In the end, you'll be so glad you did.
Other things
Other things I have been thinking about —> empathy / understanding. What I have come to learn over my life is that for as long as I centre a worldview that is based on luv n compassion for others, then most things will work themselves out (hopefully)
Because I have experienced pain, I am able to embrace the pain of others. Because I have made mistakes (far too many 2 count), I am able to forgive others for their mistakes. May my suffering become the seed of compassion. I remind myself that love is eternity and trumps all pain.
I’ve spent a good part of my life trying to suppress, avoid and run from difficult emotions. Grief, sadness, disappointment, shame/guilt, resentment, anger, overwhelm, shock, confusion, hurt, jealousy etc. All these heavy, painful, uncomfortable feelings that inevitably sit deep in our body and soul are framed as “bad” & undesirable. But happiness CANNOT exist without sadness. Joy cannot exist without grief just like sunlight cannot exist without dark nights only illuminated by moonlight.
Yet, overwhelming sadness can crush our will to live so if sadness is actually good for us, then why are we decimated by it? Emotions are fundamentally relational, not individual experiences that emerge from within in a vacuum. We cannot truly FEEL anything in isolation. Feelings are the threads that connect us to our ecosystems (other people, beings, the land) - so how can we possibly carry them alone?
Sadness when solely felt in isolation is crushing & hopeless. Grief when carried alone without communal support is paralysing and truly unbearably agonising. The moments when I don’t want to be alive are the moments when I’m most alone. It isn’t the sadness. It’s the loneliness that is crushing. When I truly try to discern what the problem is, I see that grief is not a problem to be solved or a hurdle to be avoided. The problem is the isolation that capitalism inflicts on us. Grief on the other hand is life-giving… if it is processed, navigated & moved through in community. Our emotions are sources of information, critical feedback & pathways of connection that helps us grow, evolve & adapt in community.
When I’m devastated, deeply wounded, crying & wailing on the ground as I’m held by my loved ones, I’m more than okay. I’m hurting, scared, suffering, confused & uncertain. But I want this. I want to move thru the pain, learn the lessons that inevitably come from it & find the hope that is only to be felt alongside it. The tears even begin to feel… good. Cathartic. Necessary. Sacred. Everyone took a piece of the boulder to carry with them so I don’t have to do it alone. My back doesn’t have to break. My chest doesn’t have to cave in & I can breathe even if I’m sad. I can even laugh as I’m mourning. I can show up for others even as I’m hurting. All these possibilities only become clear to me in community. But when I’m curled up in a corner trapped in my anguish, I don’t know WHAT to do. That’s when I realise, the only thing I can try to do is reach out into my ecosystem which is merely an extension of me. Unrelated, but do u know what’s funny I hate when I’m in turmoil the writing juices are fukin FLOWING. This is a general rule of thumb for the record!!! Not a hard rule just a trend, now I see why Adele went ham after her divorce tho lmao or Van Gogh’s miserable life may have contributed to his great art. Need to stop romantising the suffering the artist tho LOOOOL, nothing better than being healthy-minded and reaching a place of acceptance!
Reaching acceptance and embracing gratitude is the final level of life. Do that and you’ve surpassed billions of over humans. And you can tell yourself, I love myself more than I hate my past.
Emotions
I don’t think we’re meant to carry or regulate our emotions by ourselves - the self isn’t enough. It really isn’t. & even taking a walk in the park to be amongst the wildflowers, bees, birds & weeds is a form of co-regulation if you honour the integral contribution of other beings. We’re more than capable of feeling deeply & processing our emotions in a healthy manner when we know we’re supported by the soil beneath us & the people around us.
I don’t want us to dissociate & numb ourselves into detachment. I don’t want us to run from the sorrow that comes with living under oppression. We can only experience contentment, serenity & joy when we carry them together alongside sorrow, regret & despair. All of it is important. I want us to carry the boulders & the flowers together because that is always how our communities were meant to live. I want us to give each other the communal safety net that allows us to feel deeply. I want us to mourn the suffering around us… together. I want us to grieve for the land beneath us because she is hurting. I want us to ache because none of us can float in endless bliss while the rest of us are suffering. These so-called “negative” emotions are a sign that our soul is intact & affected by our environment. I don’t want us to escape our sadness because that means we’re not fully alive at all. Creating room for our sadness expands our ability to experience happiness.
The pursuit of happiness is glorified in our society. But we’re not given specific details or guidance on how we can get there or are misled and misdirected. We’re told that achieving certain milestones (degrees, career, power, wealth, the nuclear family) is the recipe to happiness. So it’s not just sadness, we’re not taught how to truly be happy either and all of it can feel terrifying champs. Emotional maturity and vulnerability takes intentional practice in relationships!
However everything we desire comes with trade offs. Confrontation is the price of honesty, spontaneity is the price of commitment, fear is the price of courage. Choose wisely.
Other stuff
Just wanted to say respect to all the encampments going on around the world. The students must get extremely tired of carrying their massive nuts around everywhere. Then u have punks like Malala linking up with Hilary Clinton lol, get ur performative support out of here. Do u not know the evils this woman has done lol.
I encourage u all please, dedicate your lives to solidarity for as long as it takes. Peace is for punks, liberation is for all.
I will leave u all with this poem (couldn’t find the Falastinian’s name sadly)
Yes it is harrowing to be oppressed and to be fighting for our survival, but I'm grateful not to be an oppressor. That is a blessing.
Personal bits
I used to go into my personal bits a lot more when comparing to the previous rendition of the blog. I have a burning desire to do so once again. Here is some music that I have got on repeat recently (last one is a banger imo, got me in my feels lol):
(also Kendrick destroyed Drake. My 8 year Drake-hating arc has finally paid off!)
Have a great week everyone, until next time.
P.S - I am supremely busy over the next 2 months, got mega projects due as well various uni assignments but placements etc. so doubt I’ll be posting much. I’ll do my best but everything else comes first rlly. Although I have found that I looking forward to writing so much that even if I’m behind on my work I’ll still make time for it, guess we just do that for the shit we luv.
Kian